The most important rocks rolling around in my head are questions and struggles about faith. If we are going to say that the best christians are those people who are Loving God, Loving the Word (Bible), Loving the Word (Jesus) and growing in holiness, then I am pretty lousy christian. Maybe I am not one at all.

I am so deeply sinful, so lacking in zeal for Jesus, so in love with the things of this world and I feel that describes most of my christian life of more than 25 years. I am just glad Paul wrote Romans chapter 7 where he said (THE MESSAGE translation)

I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

That is the real question. And I left out the answer. The thing is, I sometimes wonder if we haven’t just made it so very hard when in fact its pretty simple. We need to need Jesus and he wants us to spread his message with caring, compassion and contrition everywhere we go and in our daily lives. Maybe we can do that in such a way that it doesn’t feel like such a CHORE. Read your bible. Go to church. Pray. Stop coveting. Stop lusting. Be responsible. All these would be good if I could do them. But I find it so very hard. Even impossible. Is there no one who can help me?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

So I keep going back to the well that is Jesus and keep drawing up hope over and over again.

Thats all I have.